Your Cramp, My Style

I once jumped off a small cliff into a lake.

Before the jump, I was noticeably nervous. I was shaking. My knees weak, arms were heavy… my friend’s mom’s spaghetti…

You get it.

There were loose rocks near the edge of the cliff, and what was underneath the water directly below the cliff was in question. I took all these things into account when discerning my approach to the jump. How fast should I approach the jump? How far out should I aim? Should I do a flip? Should I try an actual dive (after all, I’d seen cliff divers do it on TV. If they can do it, why not me? If my friend could do it — and he had — why couldn’t I?)

We were at a friend’s lake house for Spring Break, so there were cute girls around. There were manly teenagers around. I couldn’t embarrass myself. That would just be the end of my high school run for “Coolest Weirdo in the Land”. I couldn’t have that.

Anyway, the loose rocks were taken into account. We’d discovered that you would actually have to jump backwards mid-fall in order to hit the rocks that were in the water beneath the cliff. So, I shuffled some of the loose rocks to the side and ran as fast as I could.

Timing a jump is difficult when you are nervous and trying to impress girls and manly teenagers. What if my feet slipped off the front end of the cliff mid-jump, just as I was taking off? I’d probably fall backwards and explode on the rocks below. But, I’m a natural athlete, so I nailed the jump. As I hung, slow motion, in mid-air, I screamed “Rosebud!”. Just once.

The water was cold.

As I climbed out, I heard shuffling at the top of the cliff. Someone (one of the manly teenagers) had ripped the top off one of the girls and thrown it down into the water. She stood, surrounded by our friends, imploring of me to grab the top and bring it back to her. While this was happening, one of the less-than-manly teenagers had grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her. They never dated.

I thought about it for a moment. In that moment, I examined my own dating situation. I was single, perpetually single. I’m not terrible to look at (I had won “Best Smile” the year before, just as we were leaving junior high). But, my style had always been one of terrible awkwardness — this was before Jonah Hill and Michael Cera had made it cool to be awkward.

I watched as the top floated down, like a feather weighted by the girth of a dead bird. I can only imagine watching someone else watch a bikini top fall from a 40-foot cliff. I sorta wish Google Glass had been around back then (I sorta wish Google Glass were out right now…). I was already out of the water and it was cold water, at that. The bikini top hit the water and floated there, rising and falling with the wake I had created with my pseudo-cannon ball. Without seeming to think about it, I dove back into the water, completely disregarding my own health and safety (mind you, this water was cold), and grabbed the bikini top. I think it was pink with blue polka dots.

I was thinking about it. What to do once I got back up to the top of the cliff, would I give it back to her? Would I simply throw it back off the cliff and then push her off and yell, “Now you know what it feels like!” Would I throw it on the ground at her feet — Be grateful...? Would I offer a trade — the bikini top for the towel? That would have probably gotten me key manly teenager points, points that can be added to your man card and redeemed at any point for prizes like condoms and Flintstones Push Pops.

I climbed the stairs back to the top, slowly at first, then more quickly as I got more cold. The girl called out to me, “Hey, Josh, c’mon! My nipples are starting to poke through this towel!” Then, the group began to call, “Yeah, hurry up, we’re all getting cold!” In my head, I thought, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, but you guys created this situation, so the least you can do is to wait and see how it plays out. Plus, just bask in the glory that is this topless girl. (You see, at this point, I still held onto another card that wasn’t so coveted in high school… It starts with a ‘V’ and ends in ‘irgin’. Oh my… so needless to say, I was basking in the glory that was this topless girl).

Rather than say anything, though, I did what came most naturally, what came like an erection to a manly teenager when a girl strutted around without a top on. I got down on all fours, put the bikini top in my mouth, like a mother to her baby cub, and began to gallop in the group’s direction.

“What the hell?” someone from the group called out. During my gallop, I slipped on some of the rocks I had pushed aside for my leap.

“J, what the hell is wrong with you?” My knee was now bleeding.

I got to the group and handed the bikini top to the girl. She was smiling, but smiling in a way that also displayed great confusion. “Thanks…”

“You’re welcome. Glad I could help. Men can be real dogs sometimes, am I right?”

“Umm…”

The group continued to stare, scattered laughter started to drown out the sound of the wake below. I walked to the edge and looked out into the water.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some blood to clean off my leg, as you can see.” And then I jumped back into the water, silently.

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My next post will be a little story of love at first sight. Her name is Acephalous, a unique name to say the least. But nothing less would suit such a unique little lady.

Enjoy.

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